Why the Word ‘Fine’ Sucks
When was the last time you said it and really meant it?
I’ll never forget a particular conversation that involved the word fine because it was such a trainwreck on my part. I was doing free labour for food and board (through Workaway) at a bed and breakfast, and the person who owned it commented that I seemed off. My reply started with some complete bullshit, mentioned something about not sleeping enough, and closed with, but I’ll be fine!
After a beat, he said something along the lines of, “ok just thought I’d ask,” and walked away.
I was not fine.
Looking back, I wanted to say I’m unhappy about the sheer volume of unpaid emotional and physical labour I’m doing. I’m also WILDLY anxious about not knowing what I’m doing next, so yeah, I’m a little on eDgE!!!!
Instead of speaking some semblance of the truth, I used the word fine. And it got me nowhere.
‘Fine’ can carry some heavy subtext
This is my experience and opinion of the word fine, but something tells me it isn’t just me that feels this way. Maybe you use the word fine because you are absolutely not fine. Maybe you don’t know how you’re doing, so you use fine as a default or when you don’t want to get into it.
How’s your job? Oh fine.
How’s your wife? She’s fine.
How was your date? Fine!!!!!
The last time I said a date was fine, in reality, it made me want to launch myself into the sun without a spacesuit.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines fine as being “in a satisfactory or pleasing manner.” Ha. When was the last time you used the word ‘fine,’ and it actually meant you were feeling satisfied or pleased?
My guess is rarely. Or never.
If I had to make an educated guess, I think we throw around the word fine so much for a few reasons:
- We aren’t in tune with how we are feeling and don’t have the vocabulary to voice these feelings.
- We don’t want to speak our truth for fear of making things awkward, being misunderstood, being invalidated, overloading someone, and a million other reasons related to sharing.
Why do we need emotional literacy?
I don’t know about you, but I’ve used the word fine when I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. It’s like saying uhm, when you don’t know what to say.
While correctly identifying the emotion you are feeling seems easy, in practice, it can be hard.
Why? Most of us aren’t taught social-emotional literacy at any point in our lives. There’s a mountain of research impressing upon us that people with emotional intelligence (or EQ) have advantages when it comes to all things interpersonal, like teamwork and leadership. And yet it took me till I was almost thirty to realize there’s way more nuance to my emotions than just mad, sad and happy.
My quick and dirty all-encompassing definition of emotional literacy is understanding, communicating, managing, and accepting our emotions. This goes beyond a four-letter word and gets into the fact that we often don’t even have the language to express ourselves.
Identifying our emotions correctly is one thing, communicating them to others is a whole other layer.
I only caught wind of this skillset when I listened to Brené Brown’s podcast episode with Dr. Marc Brackett where they discuss emotional literacy.
We are not taught the value of emotional literacy so it’s no wonder we are f*cked and using the word fine so much. Between hurtling through modern life so fast we barely stop to check in with ourselves and being taught to suppress our true feelings, it’s a pretty bad recipe for being able to read our internal cues.
When fine is a cop-out
So let’s say you ask your coworker how they are doing, and instead of saying fine, they hit you with a big old truth bomb that their dog died and their mom has cancer and they are super depressed. Unfortunately, you have a meeting you have to make it to in five minutes so you say sorry and run away, which works well because you have no idea what to say to comfort them. Meanwhile, that person is standing there with their emotional dick in their hand, wondering why they even bothered opening up at all.
I look back and think of all the times I was so wrapped up in my own shit that when someone hit me with how they really felt and I immediately thought, I don’t have time to unpack this, or oh god, what do I say. I’m learning that it isn’t about the amount of time you spend comforting someone or the exactitude of your language. Sometimes we all just wanna say shit out loud and be validated.
However, if something is over your head, you can also just say so! You’re not a therapist, and maybe they do need professional help.
We often miss these opportunities for connection because both parties are so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing at that moment. I get it. Both people end up a little vulnerable and the situation I described sounds pretty terrible. But if you genuinely trust the person you have the urge to share with, I think you’re safe to avoid using the word fine if you’re far from it.
Using the word fine = no vulnerability = no connection.
If you are the person someone is choosing to share their true feelings with, don’t worry about saying exactly the right thing as a response. Making an effort to hold space for them and show that you are present is a good baseline.
For example, when someone starts opening up, then gets scared and back peddles with “…but it’ll all be fine,” and forces a smile. Read the situation and validate accordingly — this person might need to know you’re safe to open up to.
Note: if you know you can’t hold space for an honest answer — that’s ok! There are thousands of other things you can ask that are still courteous and thoughtful outside of ‘how are you?’ Here’s a list you can reference.
Please use any other word
Don’t get me wrong, using the word fine less has been hard for me ever since I had this realization. But you can do better than fine. You can ask different questions, give real answers and be open to having more vulnerable conversations.
I challenge you to banish this word from your vocab and upgrade for some words that really reflect what’s going on inside you. Get out of autopilot, and the next time someone asks you how you are — maybe stop to give a real answer. You don’t need to word vomit all your problems in this person’s lap, but if you’re having a tough day, and they ask, why not say it? This is how we connect and feel seen, after all.
Finally, next time you suspect that you are on the receiving end of a dis-genuine use of the word fine, feel free to tell the person that even if they aren’t fine, that’s ok too.
Fine doesn’t do us any favours. I hope we’re all going to be better than fine if we stop using that word so much.
