Why 2021 is Going to Be the Year I Heal My Injuries
Three reasons I’m done pushing through the pain.
I’m supposed to be training for the Sydney marathon right now. Instead, I’m doing exercises my athletic therapist gave me every morning. I lay on my stomach, squeeze my right butt cheek and lift my leg off the ground several times…amongst other things. Hardcore, I know.
The lack of marathon training has nothing to do with COVID-19, or the fact that I ended up moving back to Canada. In 2018, I strained my hamstring training for a half marathon and I never stopped pushing. I’ve been exacerbating and building on that injury ever since. I’ve refused to do what it takes to heal, until now, for a few reasons.
Here’s why:
I’m redefining what it means to be healthy.
Healthy isn’t a look, it’s functioning well. I’ll give full credit to Dr. Nicola Rinaldi who said this in a video with Stephanie Buttermore. I’ve known this for a while, but it hit home when I completed a workout challenge on Jan. 2 called #100sweatysweats. You commit to moving your body 100 times between October 1 and January 1 in support of a charity of your choosing. I signed up on Oct. 2, which meant I had 91 days to sweat 100 times.
I knew going in it wouldn’t take much to hurt myself again — and I was right. By Jan. 2, my body was in shambles and I couldn’t ignore the pain anymore. My knees have never given me any issues, and they started acting up, which was scary.
I finished it, but with the severity of the injuries I currently have, I’d hardly say I’m thriving. Functioning well, to me, looks like improving my mobility and being able to do the activities that bring me joy, pain-free.
I’m hell-bent on having a better relationship with my mind + body
I’ve been living in fear of what would happen to my body if I stopped exercising. My fear of weight gain has always been greater than my fear of doing irreversible damage to my body. I’ve ignored the outcries from my body much like climate change deniers ignore science (oooh BURN).
Whether it’s “I need fuel,” “I need rest,” or “I’m in pain,” I haven’t listened.
This isn’t entirely surprising once I explain that I was diagnosed with an eating disorder as a teenager. Despite receiving treatment, and doing a lot of work to heal, I still struggle to read the cues my body is sending me.
I also struggle to slow down enough to listen to what my mind and soul is asking for. In February 2020, I reached the lowest weight I had ever been in my adult life. A month prior, I moved somewhere new and I was feeling bored, lonely, anxious and uncertain and I didn’t know how to cope. My lizard brain tells me to use restriction and overexercising to regain a sense of control. Even though I knew it was bad, I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. My body looked smaller and my mind was a dumpster fire full of negativity and fear. I made a friend named Tania (thank goodness), and I opened up to her about what was happening. She supported me as I found my footing again. We went on walks together, she stood by me as I deleted MyFitnessPal and checked in to make sure I was eating enough. Having someone who cared made all the difference.
After the tailspin I experienced in 2020, I know that taking care of my mind doesn’t require me to destroy my body, and vice versa.
I’m approaching goals (especially fitness goals) differently
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself, but I’ve learned I need to ask myself why. I wish I asked myself why I was doing #100sweatysweats. I signed up for the challenge because I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I was focusing on learning to surf, working, adventuring and writing so fitness wasn’t my priority.
And yet, I thought I deserved punishment for letting myself off the hook for so long. My ‘why’ was because I felt lazy and unmotivated, and the challenge was supposed to be a kick in the ass. As a result, I went in with an inflexible and unkind mindset.
The experience proved that “no pain, no gain” can cause real harm when it’s paired with a toxic ‘why’.
I’m going to do a gut check on my goals going forward. I don’t deem it to be a good goal unless the ‘why’ aligns with my values, and that one sure didn’t. I want to only use goals to build myself up mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Running over the Darling Harbour bridge with thousands of other runners would be cool, no question. Regaining enough mobility to be able to do yoga without grunting and crying out like a bear in heat? Awesome, but in a totally different way.
If you, or someone you know, is struggling with an eating disorder, visit the National Eating Disorder Information Centre website or call the toll-free hotline (1–866–633–4220).
