How to *Not* Disappear
If you are struggling to speak, you are not alone.
It’s been three months since I posted on Instagram. That’s probably the longest I’ve gone since I got an account. Of course, nobody has noticed that it’s been that long (other than me). The last thing I posted is a poem about showing up and creative courage. Irony IS poetic, more often than not.
A few times, I’ve thought maybe I should say something, and that conversation in my head closes with, yeah, because what you have to say matters SOOOOOOO MUCH.
It’s been over a month since I published anything on Medium. That’s the longest I’ve gone since I started writing on here. If it weren’t for my book coaches holding me accountable, I wouldn’t have worked on my book for the past three months. I wrote one or two shitty tweets in the last few months, but they are nothing I’m proud of.
In every area of my life as a writer, I’m disappearing.
It’s not that I haven’t had things to say. I…can’t, or maybe won’t, or don’t believe I should write anything. I go silent. I feel the urge arise, I type, the urge passes, and the words are left sitting in drafts, a notebook or a note in my iPhone. Abandoned.
Being (mostly) off social media for the last five months has been good for my mental health, no question. I’ve been focusing less on saying I’m gonna do things and trying my best actually to do them: volunteer, read more, exercise regularly, cook new things and text my friends back somewhat regularly. I’ve also fallen into habits I hate: watching too much TV and overeating at night. I’ve made no new writing goals.
I’ve landed in this strange place where I feel like I’ve shrunk so much I’m questioning whether my voice should take up any space at all. Questioning often if there’s a place for me, much less my voice. I often wonder if things would be better or worse if I disappeared off the internet entirely. Would it matter? Would it be joyful? Would I feel free? Would I feel disconnected?
Would it be the right decision for the right reasons?
Writing this is painful. Like I’ve been jammed in a coffin that’s three sizes too small. It always feels like this when I try to say something after a period of going underground. Part of this is depression, yes. I will not deny there’s an overlap. I recently got a mental health diagnosis I’m not ready to share, and I think that’s been contributing to my hiding from the world. There’s also the whole pandemic-adjacent isolation, thing *jazz hands*. It’s easier to retreat off the internet when you’ve already retreated from the world IRL.
In some cases, I won't shut up because I’m depressed, I shut up because I know I’m not the right person to speak on a certain topic. That’s when I know I need to read someone else’s writing. I’ve realized I have a lot of learning to do, so I’ve been reading more than I speak. Other times, staying quiet goes against my values.
Today was the anniversary of something that never should have happened.
Do you remember where you were a year ago when you heard about George Floyd’s murder?
I was reminded by Anti-Racism Daily when I first checked my emails this morning. I let the weight of the day sit on my lap and demand to know what I’ve learned and unlearned. I’d invite you to do the same and see how you can focus more on doing and less on saying you’re going to do.
- Here’s a link to Defund The Police.
- Here’s a master BLM carrd full of resources that can be sorted by location.
This is not a cry for help. This is my way of reappearing.
I hope you take a moment to swallow, chew and consider all of this.
Right before I sat down to write this, I could feel myself collapsing inward. My voice metastasizing. Unfortunately, I know the only way to stop that from happening is to show up despite the complete and utter discomfort.
The only thing that keeps me from fading away entirely is connection and creativity. That’s why I write online, even if I have to force myself at times.
I still want to show up even though my brain wants to shut me down. I know I’m not alone in this battle.
Maybe your story is the one I read when I can’t or shouldn’t write. That’s why it needs to exist.
Here is my plea to you
Take up space. If for no other reason, do it to stop yourself from disappearing.
